• Alexandra Relf

The Eternal Quest


We all have those moments in time where we look back at a situation, relationship, job, etc. and think, "what in the actual creeps was I thinking?" We never thought we would be "that" person, in "that" situation. We said the I will never's and not gonna be me's. And somehow, there we are, right in the middle. Or just outside the wreckage catching our breath. Or maybe even still trapped, treading water, waiting for a plan or for help.

To which I say two things. First off we are humans. We are fallible. We are not exempt or above anything. The homeless person on the street corner, could be us. The addict seeking their next fix. We are all really just one decision away from a completely different life.  A couple years ago I was struggling pretty badly with some crippling anxiety. When I say crippling- I mean I didn't ever want to be alone, wouldn't bathe my son as a baby if I was home alone for fear of "if I had a heart attack and died he would drown" sort of anxiety. The kind that life sometimes seems easier ending than actually enduring.


The Lord told me then I would only have peace when I knew who He was and who He said I was. Since then I have been on a quest of self reflection and introspection. Of reading the Bible, working on my prayer life and in the middle of a pretty amazing community of people who point me toward Him and my potential in Him every day. I have much more peace now than I did then, but I still struggle. I struggle when I let the world weigh in on my days, my marriage, my family, my children, my friendships and my faith. I feel steady and ready when I nurture my relationship with Him. I believe in my core that identity is the beginning and end of every problem and every solution.


We are all on an eternal quest to try to figure out who we are, why, and what we do with that information (if we ever find it.) I believe we were all born with an innate missing piece. I think the Lord was very intentional with this, and not out of some bizarre cat-and-mouse game. He knows we need Him, that we thrive when we are walking with Him and in our calling. 


We spend our lives trying to fill that hole with all the things. Sex, drugs, and rock n' roll. Only to always end up feeling like something is missing. With that being said, He doesn't want to force us to choose Him to fill that hole for us. He wants us to choose.


Love without choice is not love. This is where we find ourselves in the middle of things we never thought we would be. Whether that is an abusive relationship. An abusive friendship. A volatile marriage. A job we make a lot of money in and yet despise. A divorce we never wanted. A parenting relationship that feels so counter-intuitive wondering to ourselves- "Where did I go wrong?"


This is where we sell our selves short. We marry because of the proverbial biological clock. We go to school for what we think is expected of us only to realize it couldn't be further from where we are supposed to be. We pile ourselves beneath debt just trying to keep up with the Jones's. We are walking outside of His will, and we FEEL it. Even if we cant or don't identify that feeling, it exists deep in our bones. The good news- we have an identity. We have a purpose. There is a love unlike any other that is an exact fit for that hole. The maker of the stars has amazing things in store for us. I know because I have experienced it. I have seen it, felt it, lived it. I have had way too many things that cannot be chalked up to happenstance. I have seen it all around me. In the people closest to me. In those I love so much and in those I don't so much. I could give you a hundred examples, but ultimately this quest toward eternity that we are all on has to be our own.


We have to choose to seek out our identity and to allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to let our hole be filled. I can promise you- you'll never be sorry. Love to you all, L


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